Na'imah Tajah Mitchell

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★ No Fun With Dick and Jane

*Warning: These are explicit, but hilarious. Of course, that’s not going to stop you from reading them, right?


Tale #1
Sew, Jane, sew.
Jane can sew!
See Jane sew.
Oh Dick, Dick, Dick!
Jane said, “Where’s my needle, Dick?”
Dick said, “What did you call me, bitch?”
Jane said, “Needle dick.”
Dick said, “Needle dick? Needle dick?
Hell I have a hypodermic dick!!”
Jane said, “Hypodermic or hippopotamus?”
Dick said, “I’m not sure.”
Jane said, “I’ll call you Needledick, Dick.”
Oh no! That Sucks!
That’s NO fun!
No fun with Dick and Jane


Tale #2
Dick said, “Look, Jane, look! See, Jane, see! It’s all natural, Sis! It promotes healthy erectile function! It’s a tested formula! I got it on the Internet! I’ll have my vigor back and improved sexual performance! Grrrrr! It’ll put fire back into my lovemaking!”

Jane said, “Yeah, asshole. Now all you need is a girlfriend, Bro. That vinyl blow-up doll in your bedroom doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your sexual performance.”

Dick said “Oh, no! That sucks!” That’s NO fun! No fun with Dick and Jane.


Tale #3
Look, look, Jane, see, see! It’s a newspaper job ad that is meant for me! I hate that boss what fired me for pissing in the coffee pot, see? I lost my self-esteem, I lost my ego, I lost my will to masturbate. The ad says I, too, can be a plumber if I go to plumber’s school. I’ll proceed at my own rate. I can plunge with the best of them,” said Dick.

Jane said, “You’re out of your f’ing mind. Your only qualification is an ass crack, and believe me, I never want to see that. But I see your face, so what’s the difference, Dick?”

Two weeks later Dick and Jane are waiting with fetid breath at the International Brotherhood of Plumbers and Pipefitters graduation.

Dick said, “Jane, I’m going to graduate with honors. Summa cum Plumba! I’ll be the Grand Plumba!” Jane said, “I bet you win the ass crack award.”

The Dean said, “Dick, you got a A+ in ass crackery, but you failed the course! Summa cum idiot. Now don’t ever darken our doors again. And take that plunger off your face! Now let’s all sing “You Raise Me Up by Josh Groben. Hit it! Hey Dick, you’re not raisin’ with us.” Jane said, “That was predictable.” Dick said, “My career is ruined!? Oh, no! That Sucks!” That’s NO fun with Dick and Jane.


Tale #4
Look. Look. See. See. Go, Dick, go. Pee. Pee. Pee. Pee. Watch Dick pee. Pee, Dick, pee. See Dick pee. Dick can’t pee! Pee. Dribble. Pee. Drip.

Not so fast. Dick can’t pee! Oh, my God, Dick got prostate disease. Oh, no! That Sucks! That’s NO fun! No fun with Dick and Jane.

Tale #5
Oh, Dick. Oh, oh, oh. Dick has a head! See Dick’s head. Look, look, look. Look at Dick’s head. Dick head, dick head, dickhead! Dick doesn’t want to be a dickhead. Do you want to be a dickhead? Oh, no! That Sucks! No one wants to be a dickhead. That’s NO fun! No fun with Dick and Jane.

Tale #6
Dick said, “Spot, get the fuck out of the double wide!” Jane said, “Now! And quit licking your ass!” Spot said, “Woof! I’ll go see Scooter.” Play, Spot, play. Play with Scooter. See Scooter scoot! Scoot, Scooter, scoot! Scooter can scoot! Itch, itch, itch. Ass itch! Scooter has tapeworms! That’s why he’s draggin’ ass. Now Spot does, too. Could Dick be next? Oh, no! That Sucks! That’s NO fun! No fun with Dick and Jane.

Stories Credit: http://thatsucks.net/dicknjane.html


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