★ Pumpkin Suicide
“So, I wakes up in the mornings to go and gets ma papers, and I sees ma pumpkin just laying there, with ma shotgun to his mouth. So I asks him, “is you okay Edward?” and he says nothings. So I asks him again, even louder, but he don’t say anythings again. I feels his head to see if he’s sick, and I finds out that he’s dead. I’m abouts to picks him up and I finds a little notes under him. It says, “I loves you Johnny and all, but I did this only because it’s almost the New Year and my expiration date is on January 31st, so I didn’t have much longer to live anyway.” So I just says to myself, “Well he did have 32 days to live.” I guess that’s a short time for him.”
There are approximately 9 months left until the next Halloween, which really sparked even more speculation of the event. Some theories have been popping up and lead to a number of possible explanations. Some included:
They wanted to ‘shun’ themselves before they went rotten in the New Year [like Edward]
Some believed it was far past their explanation date.
They were tired of serving as decorations and coloring canvases for children.
Some suffered from idontwannagetkickedorthrownatsomebodyaphobia- a fear of getting kicked over or thrown at someone and busted.
Some were terrified of how they’d look as a ‘pie’ or some other type of delicious dessert.
Dan Gregory-Smith, a pumpkin expert shares with us his insight on what happened.
“I believe that the primary reason why these pumpkins made the heartless decision to kill themselves is because they were miserable. These pumpkins were forced to endure being picked from their patch, some even leaving wives, husbands and children behind, then going through the grueling task of being inspected in a factory, then being shipped off to a local food market to be sold. No one can understand how they feel being dispatched from their families and friends just because they were ‘riper’ than some of the others.
“We’ve put together a non profit organization called H.S.T.P [Help Save The Pumpkins], to provide a retreat for estranged, lonely and suicidal pumpkins. Here, the pumpkins can relax and feel completely at home with other pumpkins who feel [and look] just like them.” says Chicago based pumpkin psychotherapist Anna Tyler.
Us here at Channel 10 news wish them all our condolences of happiness and peace in their new lives.
Posted on Thursday December 31st
